Identifying Values in Our Life

When we explore the concept of values, it quickly becomes apparent just how varied the term can be. Ask yourself, “What do I value?” and you might experience a flood of thoughts, feelings, or images—each representing a different domain of life (being a loving parent, being an honest worker, etc). That’s because “value” takes on different meanings depending on the context. Economists, philosophers, and psychotherapists all use the term “value”, but often in very different ways.

In this article, we’ll explore different ways to conceptualize values within the context of personal development and well-being. By understanding values as qualities of action and linking them to specific life domains, we can gain greater clarity about what truly matters—and how to live a life that reflects those priorities.

The word “value” shifts meaning depending on the discipline and the individual. For an economist, a value often refers to the monetary worth of a good or service. In psychotherapy and counselling, however, values are often understood a little differently. In approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and other values-based therapies, values are often understood as desired qualities of action—like being “caring,” “insightful,” or “loving.” Rather than being fixed traits or checklists (such as being “happy”, “successful” or “at peace”), values serve as guiding directions for how we want to show up in life (such as striving to be a more compassionate partner). In this sense, values are more like directions that we take for our actions.

One way to deepen this understanding is to reflect on the function of an action. The value of caring, for example, might express itself in the act of meeting the needs of loved ones. This makes values functionally dynamic rather than static ideals—they are lived and practiced.

Another important concept in values-based work is that of domains—or the areas of life where values are enacted. Domains are not values themselves; rather, they are the contexts in which values can be expressed.

While some people might list “family” or “religion” as values, these are better thought of as domains—arenas where values are expressed. For example, someone may want to be a “loving parent,” where love and care are the values being enacted within the domain of family life.

Domains vary from person to person based on individual circumstances. Here is a sample list of common life domains where people often seek to practice and enact their values:

• Education and Training
• Work
• Physical Well-being (exercise, nutrition, rest, medical care)
• Play and Recreation
• Aesthetics (art, music, beauty, literature)
• Social Life and Friendships
• Family (immediate and extended)
• Intimate Relationships or Marriage
• Community Involvement
• Environmental/Ecological Engagement
• Parenting
• Spirituality

Several therapeutic tools—worksheets, exercises, and values questionnaires—can help individuals identify their values within these domains. These tools are especially helpful in noticing how different values may hold different importance across different contexts. For instance, the value of independence may be central in the domain of Work, while altruism or nurturance may feel more resonant in the domains of Parenting or Intimate Relationships.

There are many approaches in therapy for helping clients explore their values: guided imagery, dialogue, assessments, and reflective questions, to name a few. No single approach works for everyone, which is why therapists are trained to tailor these tools to the unique needs of each individual.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to begin, consider bringing this up with your therapist. Exploring your values doesn’t need to happen all at once; it can be a gradual and evolving process.

It’s not uncommon to revisit and revise our values over time. Life is full of events that can prompt us to re-evaluate what truly matters at any stage of our lives:

• A major milestone or achievement introduces us to new possibilities.
• A new skill introduces new opportunities for engaging with the world.
• Nostalgia brings renewed awareness to previously overlooked priorities.
• An unexpected reconnection with someone meaningful.
• A joyful social gathering.
• A serendipitous encounter.
• A difficult moment at work that revealed inner strength.
• A breathtaking view that awakens awe.
• A meaningful comment from another person:
  • “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
  • “There’s no one like you in my life.”
  • “I trust you.”

When values shift, it’s natural to question: Have I wasted time pursuing something else? or How can I trust my new sense of what matters if I was wrong before? These are valid and natural concerns. These questions can be seen as signs that reassessing what is valuable—let alone integrating it—is part of the ongoing, lifelong process of doing values-based work. Because the world can be so complex, and because our understanding of values is inherently limited—insofar as our sense of what is valuable is shaped by personal experience, language, culture, temperament, and peer influence, to name a few—the concept of committing to a value or set of values can quickly feel daunting. Because of all of these contingent factors, it’s natural for our understanding of our values —as well as of ourselves, the world and others— to change in response to changing circumstances.

To help illustrate the difference between goals, values, and domains, consider this metaphor:

Imagine you choose to travel west—not toward a specific city, but simply westward (assuming one is traveling from Ontario). When traveling west as opposed to a specific city (a destination), you could encounter any obstacle, detour, or setback, and you would still be going west. Sure, you might make a u-turn once in a while, but the general direction of your journey would still be west, irrespective of if you arrived at a city like Toronto, Calgary, or Vancouver. Even if we arrive in Vancouver, we still haven’t arrived at “west”; what’s to stop us from going even further! That’s how values function: they are ongoing directions, not final destinations.

Goals, on the other hand, are like the cities along the way. They help us measure progress and course-correct, but they are not the endpoint of our journey. We may face detours or setbacks, but as long as we continue moving in our chosen direction, we are still living our values.

Values can give us a sense of direction and purpose by helping us orient ourselves toward a life we can look back on with pride rather than regret. As LeJeune and Luoma note in their book Values in Therapy, there is a meaningful difference between what they call “good tired” and “bad tired”:

• Good tired is the exhaustion that comes from engaging in pursuits that matter to us. It’s the kind of tired that lets you sleep well at night.
• Bad tired is the fatigue of effort spent in ways that feel meaningless or misaligned. It leaves us drained, depleted, and unfulfilled.

As the authors in the book describe, at the end of a day of being bad tired, there is very little of you left. Good tired can induce a feeling of being proud in later years, while a life of bad tired can induce feelings of regret, remorse, and grief. The difference between the two is not how hard we work, but whether that work reflects what we care about most.

At Insight Counselling, we offer blog posts like this one to introduce key therapeutic ideas in an accessible way. These articles are not meant to replace counselling or psychotherapy, but to help you begin reflecting on topics that may be meaningful to your growth.

If you’re curious to explore your values in more depth, consider speaking with a trained professional. Your journey doesn’t need to be solitary—therapy can help you clarify your direction and build a more valued life.